Jacqueline Winspear’s, Elegy for Eddie, names where I am and what I might do about it:
“To just say, ‘I’m sad,’ isn’t enough…. Sometimes we say we’re sad when we would be better served by saying the word melancholy, for example. Sometimes anger can be more accurately described as frustration. The distinction helps us identify a path through the maze of emotions—and emotions can be debilitating, can paralyze us if we allow them power, and we do that when we fail to be precise…. So, Maisie, how do you feel?”
“Guilty,” said Maisie aloud, and with only a second’s hesitation.
And how do I feel? Like I can’t deal with my situation. Overwhelmed. Choices before me: To decide what I will do. (Ego, intellect, living in my head).
To be led to what I will do. (Answer a calling, follow intuition).
To desire, to want, to wish, to dream what I will do. (Set intention, focus).
Getting intention right is a bummer. And is crucial. Over and over I get caught short.
Intention lies behind my ordinary ideas of what I think I want. Intention reaches into my roots. Behind what I say—what do I mean? What I mean, my intentions, are actually what manifest in my life.
It popped into my head to understand why, for example, I have no real problems doing the thinking and planning that keeps me mostly solvent and with money to spare. Why? Because I have absolutely no intention of being poor. I tried it. I hated it.
With a rock-bound certainty, a clear link between my heart (intention which is frequently unconscious) and my mind, then there’s no conflict, no problem as my financial example shows. Yet to arrive at this no-conflict place, I had to work through and resolve societal beliefs like You don’t deserve money. Nice women don’t do money or power. Money is evil, corrupts. And so on.
Other times I see exactly where I get caught. It’s my small paranoia, my quick tendency to blame someone else. When I was ill, my deep belief that I am damaged in the operation, kept me stuck. When I gained enough sense to tell myself not, that I was damaged, but that I was healthy and healed—of course I soon became entirely healthy and healed.
Here is where reality, intuition, intention grind like three giant boulders keeping us stuck. My only chance is to step back. To deliberately question, to see, and to accept what is currently happening. Then to use my mind and heart to carefully choose my intention. My focus shifts from what is happening to what I want to see happening. I choose my intention and affirmations, always keeping them positive and revising as needed.
Stop. Think. What are you thinking?